“Today I saw an incredible house that has everything I ever wanted. It was amazingly beautiful and more than I could have anticipated or dreamed. As I searched for a home off and on for the past year, I carefully made a checklist of things I ‘must have’ and ‘would like to have’ This house met everything on the ‘must have’ list and six of eight things on the ‘would like to have’ list! It was affordable and located in an area in which I would love to live! I’ve been praying for this house for as long as I’ve been looking. So what’s the problem then? Why am I not shouting?”
So began the journal entry I made on the evening I saw the model of this incredible house. It is interesting that I would ask the question about shouting! I had lost my shout a long time ago and had not been able to find it. To tell the truth I hadn’t been looking for it because I had only recently discovered it was gone and I was not quite sure where it went or how to get it back.
After seeing this house I hurried home to share the news with my good friend. I told her how remarkable it was to find a house like one I had been praying for. I didn’t think it was for me, and certainly not an answer to my prayer. She immediately asked, “So, do you think God will give you this house? You think He loves you like that?” Funny, those questions were as far from my mind as the east is from the west. Although I didn’t answer her I out loud, my heart was shouting “NO!”
That night I called my husband and told him all about this house. I had not given such a detailed description of any other house I had seen since we began our search. He asked, “So then, you feel good about this house?” I was taken aback by his question because in my thinking, I was simply describing a house I saw and really liked. I really wished I had the courage, but instead, I chose not to shout “YES!” I was too afraid to even ask God to bless us with this house. I couldn’t even begin to enjoy the thought that this house could someday be mine.
So what did happen to my “shout?” It was taken away from me a long time ago. Growing up in an alcoholic home where physical and sexual abuse abounded, my voice was silenced, for no one heard my shout. I learned that dreams are only dreams and that real life is about thinking your way through, keeping your feelings inside, sucking it up, and leaving the past in the past. These things I learned and did well. I stopped believing in my heart that anybody really cared about me and felt that no one, not even God could love me.
I had always heard about God but I never knew Him. He was someone I learned to fear in spite of hearing how much He loved me. I heard about how He was busy preparing a home for me in heaven, although I had no clue how to get there. I knew plenty of people who would be on God’s list for heaven ahead of me. I had been taught that God would one day judge me for my sins and I was surely bound for hell. There was no hope, no way, no reason to think God would hear from someone like me. I was damaged and that much I knew. Besides, I wasn’t too keen on talking to a God who had orchestrated my life the way He had anyway.
Then one day God saw fit to have mercy on this woman on the outside who reeked of neediness, fear, loneliness and pain on the inside. He sent someone into my life who dared me to take my father’s image off God. She challenged me see that the God I thought I knew was not that God at all. Instead she introduced me to a God who loved me, who promised to help me feel all of my feelings, and heal my deep heart pain. God also promised to never let me go. This was incredible good news, worth shouting about.
While He was busy doing all of this for me through her and others He chose to put in my life, I continued fighting with Him about the loss of my spouse’s income, his debilitating health, our struggling relationship, relocating to another state, and not being able to find a job. How could I afford this or any other house without a job? Other questions rumbling around in my heart included, “Wasn’t my life as a child bad enough? Couldn’t God find someone else to pick on? Didn’t I deserve a break?” Well to be honest I didn’t deserve anything, at least not because of any thing good about me.
God saw fit to love me in spite of my fighting, my resistance, my complaining, and my bad attitude. I was having a Hosea 2:14 experience. God had coaxed me into the wilderness of my experience and He began speaking tenderly to me. I am learning to acknowledge my need of Him and watch Him transform my valley of Achor into a Door of Hope. I am learning to trust God and in turn He has given me peace, which I so desperately need.
I now know that I am on a journey. I am learning more and more to trust Him and to rest in His unfailing love for me. It has been a challenge, because it is not always easy to stand in the truth of my fearful heart. I recognize God is leading in my life, committed to loving me into full relationship with Him. I am learning the freedom to use my voice, because I have something to shout about.
So am I there yet? Absolutely not! It’s less than a year later. But I just left an incredible house! It has everything I’ve ever wanted. It is amazingly beautiful and more than I could have ever anticipated or dreamed. I just locked the doors, put the keys in my purse, and tomorrow I will be spending my first night in my brand new dream home!!! It has been amazing to see how God orchestrated all of this without my having a job. I think it is fair to say that I will be freely shouting from room to room for a long time!!
Please use this glimpse of my shouting heart to receive the truth that God knows your heart’s needs, and that He loves you more than you could ever know.
If you would like more information about how to experience God’s healing for yourself, please go to Products and look over resources available, designed to assist you in experiencing the love of God!