Most of us have heard the saying “the apple does not fall far from the tree.” This saying illustrates the Scriptural passage that “the iniquity of the parents is visited upon the children to the third and fourth generations.” Through both genetic factors as well as those that are taught and modeled, children take on the dysfunctional relational patterns they learned in childhood. Thus, this generational cycles is predicted cultural, nature and nurture factors. This pattern occurs mainly at the unconscious level. We learn dysfunctional patterns and consider them normal because that is all we’ve ever known. The good news of the gospel is that the cycle has been broken through Jesus’ victory over the forces of evil. Through Jesus’ power, the cycle can be broken in our lives too. 

God’s intent from the beginning of human existence was that human-divine and human-human relationship would be perfectly harmonious, that children would only receive the experience of perfect love from their parents. All of their love needs for affection/nurture, affirmation, attention, protection, discipline, comfort and guidance would be fully met. However, through the sin of our first parents, Adam and Eve, these love needs have been imperfectly met resulting in relationships marked by guilt, fear, shame and blame. Since then, all human beings have been born into broken families. Some children in more broken families have experienced neglect and abuse, abandonment and rejection, deceit and betrayal which, sadly, has driven them to do the same to their own children as well in other relationships. 

Dysfunctional families live by rules that tend to perpetuate the dysfunction. These are “Don’t Talk, Don’t Feel, Don’t Trust, Be Good, Be Perfect.” The Don’t Talk Rule perpetuates the secrecy of the abuse in families. Don’t Feel sends the message not to make the family uncomfortable. Don’t Trust isolates the family. Making the family look good to others is the goal of the Be Good Rule while the Be Perfect Rule conveys the message “it is not okay for you to be human.”  
However, there is always hope. The cycle can be broken but breaking out from the cycle takes much courage and strength. It means facing the truth of our unhealthy family system and of our responses to it. It might mean straying away from old family traditions and starting new ones. It is the fear of being rejected by one’s own family that keeps most people from taking a new route that would take them away from dysfunction. These habitual patterns can be broken when one embraces faith and trust. Even though it is difficult for a wounded person to trust God, let Jesus into your heart so that you may experience his love for you. As painful as dysfunctional traditions are and as much as they can make or break who you are as a person, what is important is that you do not lose sight of what can be. Welcome God into your heart and fervently pray for His guidance. He is standing at the door of your heart and knocking, inviting you to open your heart to him (Rev. 3:20). He will not force himself upon you. He waits for you so that he can use his strength to break the cycle and set you free.